I had no idea that Scandinavian parenting was a thing. I'm a Scandinavian man, born and bred in Sweden. It is just what we do - the way I was brought up and the only thing I knew.
Traveling the world and four years in New York City opened my eyes to the many perspectives and approaches on how to raise kids. I spent a year with 12 women and the FamilyLab organisation - today I know the term 'Scandinavian Parenting' is known as Relational Parenting.
I can write about it for someone who might be interested in raising resilient children who can take on the world and live reasonably happy lives. Also, I'm a EMCC certified Parent- and Family Coach.
There is some solid research behind my writing; Pediatrician, writer och father of eight Lars H Gustafsson. Psychologist and writer Markus Dencker. Danish family terapeut Jesper Juul who founded the FamilyLab organisation.
All of them Scandinavians, If you're looking for a book on Relational Parenting from an outside perspective, I'd recommend The Gardener and the Carpenter by Allison Gopnik published by McMillan.
A carpenter believes that he or she has the power to transform a block of wood into a chair. When we garden, on the other hand, we do not believe we are the ones who single-handedly create the cabbages or the roses. Rather, we toil to create the conditions in which plants have the best chance of flourishing.
Scandinavian Parenting in its simplest form is "Growth over Obedience", the gardener, not the carpenter.
The cornerstones are
- Collaboration - Interplay
- Responsibility
- Non-violence
Collaboration - Interplay
Children will collaborate if they know how - the fundamental idea put forth by the founder of FamilyLab, danish Jesper Juul, in his book 'Your competent child'.
Nine times out of ten, children prove themselves both competent and eager collaborators. But in that tenth instance, they'll withdraw their cooperation when their sense of fairness is violated – when they feel used, when the relationship feels one-sided, or when they've given repeatedly without receiving in return. Children instinctively know when they're not being treated with the respect they deserve.
I write 'eager collaborators' because they don't always succeed, especially if they don't know how. As parents, we guide them. Maybe next time they'll get it right. Children naturally want to cooperate and do what's right in every situation. They want to contribute, this drive is innate in all human beings.
This drive comes from evolution, which has taught us that to belong is to survive. Humans are the most social of creatures, far surpassing dolphins, elephants and chimpanzees in social behaviour. Our brains are wired to belong, to observe, identify and integrate social norms, rules and behaviors.
Responsibility
Children seek, crave and desire responsibility. As parents, we initially take responsibility for all of our children's needs, and as they grow older, we gradually transfer responsibility to them. Ideally, this transition should be smooth and natural.
Eventually, they will leave our care and assume full responsibility for their relationships, happiness, finances, personal hygiene, and overall well-being.
Children are born with full human potential, equipped with all the basic human emotions such as sadness, happiness, disgust, surprise and anger. These are universal human emotions. Initially, children are completely driven by these emotions, and as parents we help them to understand and regulate these feelings so that they can function in society, and relations with other humans.
All emotions matter
The best model for social and emotional learning I've come across is RULER by the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence.
Here is a one-page Tipsheet for families...
Bad behavior and conflicts
When our children don't collaborate with us it is a form of communication. 'Something's wrong and I don't know how to fix it, please help' is the underlying message. So, we don't ignore "bad" behavior; instead, we label it, listen, try to understand where we as parents may have failed, and attempt to do better.
The responsibility for the quality of the relationship with our children lies solely with the parents. Never the children; they need guidance and will do the right thing when they know how.
As parents, we engage in 'compassionate conflict' with our children, rather than ignoring or avoiding them. The phrase 'praise the good, ignore the bad' is bad advice. We never make our children invisible. Bad behavior is a means of communication and we listen to its message.
We take them seriously, remembering that they are born with all human abilities and emotions. They just don't know how to translate emotions into useful behaviour that gets them what they need. As parents, our job is to teach our children how to express and regulate their emotions in ways that meet their needs. Hunger, fear, anger - how do our children deal constructively with these emotions?
Communication, and the I word.
We state our position and ask for theirs, and we have the final say. We must have the final say because we love our children more than anything on this planet. We have lived longer, we are wiser and more experienced. This is our responsibility, we are the authority in our family – our children need our wisdom and structure.
When we use the 'I' word, we speak from personal authority. "I don't want you to spend any more time on your phone today, I need you at the table, we have a lot to talk about." Direct communication of what's expected and what our needs are as parents. Maybe our child will offer a negotiation here - "OK, one hour, I need to talk to Lisa tonight". Now we work collaboratively and respect our child's needs. "Okay, but lights out at 10 p.m.". Deal.
Parenting is a partnership, not a dictatorship. While we must be honest about our own needs – which are natural and human – we achieve more through collaboration than commands. Our children need to understand and learn to navigate these real human dynamics, just as they will throughout their lives.
Non-violence
The position of the American College of Pediatricians is abhorrent to most Swedes. "Young children need correction and sometimes punishment from their parents in order to learn appropriate behaviour and self-control ─ key ingredients for their future success in life." is absolute nonsense.
Spanking is never an option.
Appropriate behaviour and self-control is taught by living it as a parent. By behaving and acting as you would like your children to behave, they will observe and incorporate your actions into their own understanding of how to navigate the world. Children are very sensitive to discrepancies between what you say and what you do, and they demand fidelity.
The alternative to violence is personal authority; as an adult, your children will respect you. This approach only works if you respect your children - they are inviolable human beings from day one.
If we expect respect from our children, we must respect them in return – listen, see, adjust, negotiate, and explain. And love them deeply and fiercely, with all our heart and soul.
A somewhat futile attempt at summary
We try to avoid 'parenting.' Instead, we lead by example, guide, and teach. This requires nearly superhuman levels of patience.
We treat our children with respect and integrity. They need to be heard, respected and seen. They crave responsibility and we give it to them at a reasonable pace.
In his book Gränslära (Boundaries) author Markus Dencker writes about the importance of not being afraid of our children's affects – their emotions, anger, and frustrations.
The Rolling Stones has it all figured out: 'You can't always get what you want / But if you try sometimes, you just might find / You just might find / You get what you need!' - we provide our kids with what they need, which is not always what they want.
It is equally important that we stay close to our children, never leaving them alone with their emotions. We stay close, emotionally, even when they hate us.
I've tried to translate a grid from Gränslära with different parenting styles across two axis – structure and 'emotional proximity.
Upper left corner – structure without emotional closeness – is the classic authoritarian parenting style. 'Because I say so! Do it, or we will have a problem!'
Lower right corner – strong emotional closeness without structure – is the fun 'buddy-parent' who obliges every request and is careful not to get in the way of the child's will. There's always a good time for ice cream.
What really destroys a child is growing up in the lower left corner - weak family structures with weak emotional closeness. Unpredictable boundaries from an emotionally disconnected parent mean that the child is unable to learn the 'rules of the game'. Walking on eggshells, they withdraw and live constantly 'on guard' for the next unpredictable event - with no rules and no guidance to rely on.
I believe 'Scandinavian parenting' is in the upper right corner. Structures are enforced through patience and guidance with strong emotional closeness. We talk, engage, hug, and spend a lot of time together with our kids. We live with our kids.
We want our children to grow, not blindly obey. What kind of life will this person find for themselves? What will become of this little toddler?
Is it feasible in other parts of the world?
Nordic countries have extremely high taxes, but they also provide 480 days of paid parental leave. Labor laws protect mothers and fathers with young children. Preschool is available for all children with plenty of outdoor play. Income equality, where university graduates, on average, make only 25% more.
Is it realistic to adopt the 'Scandinavian parenting' style outside of Scandinavia? In a more competitive society with fewer social safety nets?
Here's my perspective: raising a child 'Scandinavian' style will foster creativity and self-reliance, setting them up for success anywhere in the world.
Matthias Doepke and Fabrizio Zilibotti writes in a Time article linked below:
Notably, low-pressure Sweden is a highly innovative society, including a tech sector that has spawned Skype, Spotify, Minecraft, and Candy Crush Saga, a remarkable feat for a country of less than 10 million people.
And how do we define success? You can't win at life, because we're all going to die. Our role is to help our children discover and build upon their natural gifts, giving them the tools and confidence to create meaningful lives that are truly their own.
Matthias Doepke and Fabrizio Zilibotti
I also had Perplexity AI answer this question...
Scandinavian parenting is a parenting philosophy and research-based method built on the idea that the relationship with children is the most important thing.
While Scandinavian parenting is often held up as an ideal, it's not necessarily something that can be easily replicated in other cultures. The way parents raise their children is deeply influenced by the institutions and economic conditions of the society in which they live. As economists, it is believed that mimicking the Scandinavians is an unreasonable expectation, directed at parents who may not realize how little can be in their control. What many parents do not recognize is that a lot of the way they raise their children is dictated by economics. As important as personal preferences and values may be, how we raise our kids is deeply influenced by the institutions and economic conditions of the society in which we live.
In conclusion, while some aspects of Scandinavian parenting can be applied in other parts of the world, it is important to consider the cultural and economic context in which parenting takes place.
Cover image by Nipun Sharma from Pixabay